Matters of Trust
by Laura Schiller
Summary: During their night at Salvage, Lena and Julian have some fences to mend. L/J.


Matters of Trust

By Laura Schiller

Based on: Delirium/Pandemonium

Copyright: Lauren Oliver

"Lena?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you asleep?"

"Almost."

"Sorry."

Lena rolled over to face the other bed, where Julian was lying propped up on his elbow. Even through the darkness, she could feel him watching her. For a moment, she was disoriented, wondering if they were back in their cell, until she remembered. The knife fight. The rat-man and his disabled comrades. They were in Salvage, and Julian had something on his mind.

"That's okay," she replied. "Go ahead. What's up?"

A rustle of blankets; a small cough.

"I meant to … apologize," he said. "For going off on you like I did."

"Going off? When? You make yourself sound like sour milk."

He puffed out a laugh, making her smile into her pillow.

"No, seriously. Back in the cell. You know … when you told me you were an Invalid."

Of course. For a moment, shame and anger (some for him, but mostly for herself) grabbed her by the throat, cutting off her air.

"That was after they beat the crap out of you, remember?" she managed to say, after a pause. "You weren't thinking straight."

"I wasn't," he admitted ruefully. "But that's no excuse. You cleaned me up, you … you listened to all my stupid stories without judging. You were a friend to me, and I practically bit your head off."

"Julian." She rather wished she could hold his hand again. It was kind, if unnecessary, for him to take the blame like this. "Julian, it's okay. I wasn't exactly a saint either, was I?"

"Well … "

"I should have realized what a shock it would be for you. It was hard enough for me when – " _Alex._ "When I first learned about the resistance – that it was real, I mean, not just a fairy tale."

She knew he heard the hesitation in her voice, but he didn't ask about it. _He's a faster learner than I was,_ she thought wistfully. _God, to think that only last summer, I was in his shoes._

"The one who … well, recruited me? I yelled at them, too." _Oh, Alex. I can imagine how you felt. _"But they were a _lot_ more mature about it. I should have remembered their example. I'm sorry, Julian."

"That's okay. Apology accepted."

He reached out his hand across the gap between the beds. She took it, intending to let go, but several seconds later, they were still touching. Holding hands had been a survival tactic in the tunnels, to pull each other along when they got tired, to reinforce their necessary alliance; but it was more than that. There was a spark between them, and in this cold night of early spring, it warmed her more than the blankets did.

"I wasn't even a DFA member or anything," she rambled, partly to distract herself, partly because it belonged to her apology. "Just a regular girl."

_I had less to lose, and definitely less conviction. You've come so much farther in just one week than I did in two months. You're amazing that way, Julian Fineman._

"You can't have been that regular." Julian's voice was soft and warm, like his touch. She smiled into the pillow again, for rather different reasons.

"I guess no one really is, when you get to know them. I thought _you_ were the DFA's golden boy."

"Hm. So what changed your mind?"

"Seeing you look at those pictures."

Snow-capped mountains, flaming orange canyons, the shining expanse of the ocean; views that took your breath away.

"God, I was so embarrassed," said Julian, shaking his head. "I_ thought _I had the place to myself, and then there was this girl – this _beautiful_ girl – "

"Oh, you noticed?"

"How could I not notice? – Looking at me like, like she could read my mind. See right into my soul with those big hazel eyes of hers. Scared the daylights out of me."

"Maybe I _was_ reading your mind."

"So what was I thinking, then? Besides _damn it, she caught me._"

Lena's answer, after a thoughtful pause, came out more serious than she had intended.

"You were dreaming about escape, weren't you? To unregulated land. Maybe even to where the other countries used to be."

"Actually, I was trying to picture Heaven. The _Book of Shhh_ says it's a place of perfect serenity. That mountain ... Kilimanjaro, it's called ... came pretty close."

That silenced her. Of course; it had been only days before the scheduled date of his "cure". The one that, after his long battle against cancer, would have most likely kill him. _I wanted it to kill me_, he'd confided in her, only that day.

However, she found it hard to reconcile that boy with the Julian she knew. _Her_ Julian had fought as hard for his survival, and for hers, as any seasoned Invalid. He had grown from the prim and proper DFA Youth Guard leader to a boy who would touch a girl's hair, watch her topless, even kiss her. He had changed so much.

"Lena … can you do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"Could you tell me … those stories you told me in the cell, how much of it was true?"

"I can't tell you details of the resistance, you know."

"Of course not. Just … anything you can tell me. I'd like for us to trust each other, Lena."

So she told him the truth: that her mother hadn't died, but might as well have; that Grace was her cousin, and Rachel her older sister; that she really did once have nightmares about the cliff and the ocean. She did not tell him about Alex; not because she didn't believe he would understand – she knew he would, after having lost his brother – but because this was not the right time.

She had loved Alex, and would honor his memory forever, but she knew he would not want her to live without love for the rest of her life. He had made her promise not to look back. He must have known she would find someone new. And she had, and she was happy – not head-over-heels this time, but quietly, comfortably happy. Whatever might happen in the morning, this night belonged to the two of them alone.

Julian had one more question, which made her blush in the dark. "Do you think it's possible to get the _deliria_ more than once?"

"I'm not sure," she said truthfully. "But … yes. Yes, I think you can."

"Interesting," said Julian.

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, just curious. Good night."

"Sweet dreams, Julian," with a final squeeze of his hand before letting go.


End file.
